DARVO is one of those therapy terms that can be useful or misused, depending on how carefully it is applied. Scary Mom recently unpacked the term after a viral TikTok story about a mother, her son, and a family member who allegedly turned a safety concern back onto her.
The basic idea is simple, but the pattern can be disorienting in real time. Here is what the source article reports therapists want parents and partners to understand: what DARVO means, how it can show up in conflict, and when the issue moves from poor communication into safety planning.
What DARVO Means
According to Scary Mom, psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined DARVO in 1997. The letters stand for deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. In practice, that means a person denies the behavior being raised, attacks the person who raised it, and then reframes the situation so they appear harmed or mistreated.
The source gives a low-stakes example from licensed family therapist Dr. Megan Oed: one partner points out a forgotten chore, and instead of acknowledging it, the other person says they did not forget and blames the first partner for failing to remind them. From there, the conversation can become about how unfair or critical the first partner is, rather than the original issue.
That is the shift that makes DARVO so hard to handle. The person who brought up a reasonable concern may end up defending their tone, memory, or character instead of getting a response to the concern itself.
Key Takeaways
- DARVO refers to a sequence: deny the behavior, attack the person raising it, then reverse who is treated as the victim.
- Scary Mom reports that therapists see it most seriously when it is frequent, controlling, or part of a wider abusive pattern.
- One bad argument is not automatically proof of abuse, but repeated reversal can make ordinary requests feel impossible.
- For parents, the concern is not just the adult conflict. Children may learn either to absorb blame or to use the same pattern themselves.
When It Is More Than A Bad Argument
The article is careful not to turn every defensive response into a diagnosis. Oed told Scary Mom that DARVO-like behavior can happen in many relationships, including friendships and workplaces, especially when someone feels criticized or ashamed.
The difference is pattern and impact. If two people occasionally get defensive, notice it, repair, and try the conversation again, that is different from a recurring dynamic that prevents one person from making reasonable asks. Marriage and family therapist Laurie Wilson also told the source that some couples may look like they are hitting the same beats because of clashing communication styles or unresolved emotional patterns, not because one partner is deliberately manipulating the other.
That distinction matters. A label can clarify a harmful pattern, but it can also flatten a relationship if used too quickly. The more useful question is whether accountability is still possible. Can the person acknowledge any part of the concern? Can the conversation return to the original issue? Does the same reversal happen whenever feedback is uncomfortable?
Signs You May Be In The Pattern
Scary Mom reports that social worker Colleen Canyon described one common clue as conversational whiplash: a small concern turns into an interrogation of the person who brought it up. EMDR therapist and social worker Erin Gardner-Flores also pointed to second-guessing as a warning sign.
In plain terms, watch what happens to the subject of the conversation. If the topic was a hurtful comment, a broken agreement, or a safety concern, but the discussion quickly becomes about your flaws, your memory, or your supposed cruelty, the original issue has been displaced.
That does not prove intent. The therapists quoted by Scary Mom make room for the fact that people can act defensively without a calculated plan. But they also emphasize that impact matters. A repeated pattern can still damage trust, even if the person insists they did not mean to cause harm.
How To Respond Without Feeding The Loop
The most practical guidance in the source is to avoid getting pulled into every redirect. Canyon recommends holding to the original point instead of arguing through each new accusation. Simple phrases such as, “I want to stay with the issue I raised,” or, “We can talk about that separately,” can help keep the conversation from scattering.
Oed suggested taking a clear break when the exchange escalates, with a plan to return after a short pause. Gardner-Flores advised paying attention to whether there is any acknowledgment at all. Even a small sign that the concern has been heard can show openness; a total refusal to engage with the original issue tells you something, too.
For tense but nonviolent conflicts, brief and emotionally neutral responses may also reduce escalation. But Scary Mom includes an important caution from Dr. Deborah Vinall: if the person has a history of violence or you believe violence is possible, there may be no safe way to engage. In that situation, communication tactics are not the priority.
Why Parents Should Pay Attention
The parenting angle is not only about protecting adult relationships. The therapists quoted by Scary Mom warn that children learn from the conflict patterns they witness. Some may grow into adults who automatically take blame for tension around them. Others may copy the deny-attack-reverse pattern when they are corrected.
That is why repair matters. Children do not need flawless adults. They do need to see adults take responsibility when they cause harm. Scary Mom quotes Sheldon Cohen, LMFT, on the value of a parent being able to admit wrongdoing and apologize.
If DARVO is part of a broader abusive pattern, the article stresses that the goal is no longer to win the conversation. It is to protect yourself and your children with support from a therapist, trusted person, or domestic violence advocate. The source also lists the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and thehotline.org for free, confidential support.
The useful lesson is not to label every difficult person. It is to notice whether accountability remains possible, especially when a child or partner says they do not feel safe.
Inspired by this post on Scary Mom.
