I know the strange irony of motherhood: I can spend all day being climbed on, touched, needed, and grabbed at, then crawl into bed beside someone I genuinely love and feel about as sexy as a decorative pillow.
If that sounds familiar, I remind myself of this first: nothing is wrong with me, and my relationship is not automatically doomed.
Yes, my kids are a blessing. They are also incredibly draining, and sometimes there is simply nothing left in my body by the time bedtime finally ends. The good news is that desire can become easier to reach again, and I do not have to pretend that lingerie or one scented candle will magically undo a day of chaos.
What actually helps me think about sex after kids is removing the barriers between me and pleasure. Sometimes that means checking my health, getting more privacy, changing the definition of intimacy, or giving my brain something more interesting than laundry and lunchboxes to focus on.
1. I would get bloodwork done before blaming my libido. Before I decide my sex drive is broken, I want to know whether something physical is happening behind the scenes. Amanda Frick, SVP of Medical, Clinical, and Scientific Affairs at Thorne, notes that common nutrient deficiencies for moms can include iron, vitamin D, B vitamins, omega-3s, and magnesium. Any of those can affect energy, mood, and overall well-being. If I feel exhausted, foggy, irritable, and completely uninterested in sex, bloodwork is a reasonable place to start.
2. I can read something sexy. For me, desire often starts in my brain long before it reaches my body. Sex therapist and LELO sexpert Laurie Mintz, PhD, says research shows erotica can help turn women on, which makes it a low-pressure way to reconnect with sexuality when jumping straight into physical intimacy feels like too much.
That could mean romance novels, Kindle Unlimited, or the BookTok recommendation I keep pretending I am too sophisticated to read. A little fantasy can remind me that my libido may not need fixing as much as my brain needs something besides appointments, dishes, and school forms to obsess over.
3. I can watch something sexy. Visual stimulation can work quickly, and Mintz says watching something arousing can help spark desire while giving my mind a break from the endless tabs motherhood keeps open.
That does not have to mean porn, though there is no shame if it does. It might be a sexy show, a movie scene that always gets me, or ethical porn that centers pleasure and consent. Sometimes I need a very direct reminder that I am still a person with a body, not just the household manager of snacks, screen time, and tomorrow’s lunches.
4. I can listen to something sexy. If reading or watching feels like one more task, audio erotica may be easier. Mintz says listening to erotica can help arousal by giving the brain something sensual to follow without needing a screen, a book, or a huge time commitment.
Apps like Dipsea and Quinn offer sexy stories and guided audio that can ease me back into the mood. The hands-free part helps, too. I can listen while folding laundry, taking a walk, or hiding in the pantry for five quiet minutes under the official excuse of looking for snacks.
5. I should not underestimate good lube. Lube is not only for wild, acrobatic sex. It is for anyone who wants sex to feel better. Mintz explains that hormonal changes related to lactation and menopause can decrease lubrication and even cause sexual pain, which can make intimacy uncomfortable or painful.
A good lubricant can reduce friction, increase comfort, and help me focus on pleasure instead of discomfort. I might prefer a silicone-based option like Uberlube for extra glide, or a water-based lube if I am using toys. Either way, lube is a tool, not a failure.
6. If dryness is the problem, I can try a vaginal moisturizer. Lube helps in the moment, but a vaginal moisturizer can help with dryness between sexual encounters. If I feel dry, irritated, or uncomfortable even when sex is not happening, I may need more than extra glide.
Mintz recommends over-the-counter vaginal moisturizers like Revaree or Hyalo Gyn, which are designed to restore moisture and improve comfort over time. If the dryness is severe or persistent, I would talk with my doctor instead of just trying to push through it.
7. I can consider pelvic floor support. If sex hurts, my body is not going to eagerly sign up for more of it, and honestly, that makes sense. Frick notes that pelvic floor symptoms, pain during intercourse, or persistent discomfort may improve with support from a pelvic floor physical therapist.
Depending on my needs, tools like pelvic wands or dilator sets may help with tension, pain, and mobility. But the bigger point is this: I do not have to grit my teeth through painful sex. Low libido, dryness, pain, and postpartum body changes are valid reasons to talk with an OB-GYN.
8. I can reconnect with my body through solo play. If I have not felt connected to my body outside of keeping small humans alive, masturbation can be a useful place to begin. Mintz notes that some research suggests self-pleasure may increase desire for partnered sex because learning what feels good alone can make intimacy feel less intimidating.
The goal is not to pressure myself into a life-changing orgasm every time I lock the bathroom door. The goal is curiosity. I can try a compact toy, a suction toy, a mini vibrator, or no toy at all. I am simply giving myself permission to explore pleasure in the body I have right now.
9. I can bring a toy into partner sex. I am done treating vibrators like evidence that something is wrong. For many couples, a toy is just a practical way to make sex more pleasurable. Mintz says women who use vibrators during partner sex tend to be more satisfied and more orgasmic.
A couples toy like LELO TOR 3 can work, or I can simply use a wand vibrator where I want it. More pleasure does not weaken intimacy. For me, it can make sex feel easier to want again.
10. I can buy myself some privacy. Nothing kills the mood quite like wondering whether a toddler is about to barge in asking for applesauce. Mintz notes that postpartum desire, whether months or years after birth, is closely connected to practical support, including help with childcare and household responsibilities.
So I can create privacy however I realistically can. That might mean hiring a babysitter, turning up a sound machine, putting a lock on the bedroom door, booking a hotel room, or using a PTO day. Sometimes the sexiest thing in the world is simply knowing no one is about to interrupt.
11. I can do something that makes me feel like myself again. Motherhood can make me feel less like a whole person and more like a snack dispenser, chauffeur, and emotional support object. Frick says healthy libido is often rooted in feeling comfortable and grounded in the body, which can be difficult during the physical and emotional intensity of motherhood.
For me, that might mean an everything shower, clean sheets, perfume I love, pajamas that make me feel good, or a face mask while someone else handles bedtime. I do not necessarily need complicated lingerie. I may just need one small ritual that reminds me I belong to myself, too.
12. I can stop treating sex like a race to penetration. Penetration is optional. If P-in-V sex feels stressful, painful, or too high-pressure, taking it off the table can make intimacy feel more approachable.
Mintz says many moms benefit from understanding responsive desire, where arousal builds after touch begins rather than before. I can slow down, start with massage, make out, focus on oral or manual stimulation, or do anything else that feels good. I can even say ahead of time that penetration is not happening so the pressure is gone before we begin.
13. I can talk about sex even when it feels awkward. Talking about sex before it is happening, or while it is not happening, matters. Mintz puts it simply: couples who talk about sex have better sex. Communication helps partners navigate changing needs, boundaries, bodies, and energy levels.
I can keep it simple: I miss this part of us. I need more warm-up lately. That felt really good. If starting the conversation feels painfully awkward, intimacy card decks, couples conversation prompts, or a shared journal can make the first step less intimidating.
14. I can schedule intimacy, yes, really. I know scheduling sex does not sound wildly seductive. It can sound about as exciting as booking a dentist appointment. But Mintz says one practical way for moms to reconnect with desire is to stop waiting for spontaneous midnight magic and make intimacy fit the reality of this season.
That might mean using a weekend nap window, blocking off time before school pickup, or choosing lunch instead of waiting until I am completely depleted after bedtime. As an exhausted mom, I can admit that daytime intimacy often has a much better chance than post-bedtime sex when all I want is sleep.
My sex life after kids may look different than it did before, and that is okay. Different does not have to mean dead. It may simply mean more communication, more lube, more privacy, more creativity, and maybe a little bonus screen time in the other room while I remember that pleasure still belongs in my life.
Inspired by this post on Scary Mom.
